It's 2 AM and the apartment is still not clean yet. I stopped at the edge of the living room since Lis had gone to sleep and I did not want to disturb her. It is very sad in here. I have dragged the bed to the living room to sleep for the night since it is the cleanest room in the apartment. So Now I lay here, unable to sleep, typing away.

A few people have come by today. I saw several of my friends this morning, and even had to drive to go see one because her two kids made it not so feasible that she do me the favor. Saying goodbye to my parents was the hardest. I don't want to cry so much, so I am trying not to, but its hard. If you treat it like just another day, you don't say all those little things you meant to say, but if you say all those little things, it feels like the person leaving is actually dieing and will never be seen again. That is tremendously depressing. I feel like that now. It's not like I'm dieing. I'm just moving away. Why is that so much more difficult? When I moved to college it was not this hard, and I still didn't see much of anyone after I came here. This only difference being that one cannot just hop in the car and drive here, ne? What will people remember, really? It is hard to say...

Anticipation is keeping me from feeling sad so much. I cry a little bit, like when I hug someone before they leave. But then I can stop. I don't really want anyone to know how scared I am. I'm scared for me, scared for the cats, scared that my luggage will fall apart on the plane, scared that they will want me to check one of my carryons, scared I will forget something... I have been having these nightmares about loosing papers, forgetting them, cats escaping in the airport and chasing them, lost tickets, every possible problem with this trip, I have had it happen in my dreams. I hope these are not signs.

So, I suppose I will try to sleep at least a little bit right now. Ona has gone to bed in her crate - I think she gets this a little bit better than Lela does. Lela is currently asleep on my leg as I lay here on my stomach typing, but this will have to change since I can't sleep with my head in this position. I probably won't sleep at all. Or it won't be restful - stupid dreams. But still I try...