I know I should write more often, but it's hard with a crawling baby. See, now he's up the stairs again...

Old life versus new life: I finally came up with the meaning of that damn dream. I am in the airport, on my way to Brasil, and some pet of mine escapes in the airport. I have to decide to either miss my plane and catch it, or just go along without it and probably never see it again. I never did do either, so it was always a very disturbing dream. I had it repetitively right before I moved here, and for several months after, and then a variation of it during the last months I was pregnant with Ju. In this version, I would be chasing the cats through a hospital and I had to find a certain room. Every time I would find it, the cats would disappear again and by the time I found them, I would have lost my way to the room. Finally, I found the cats in a room full of other cats. These cats were their friends and I decided they would be okay hanging out with these cats until I could come back for them. When I woke up, I remembered this and then every time that dream came back, I was able to insert the knowledge that they would be okay and wait there for me into the dream. It's been a long time since I had that dream.

While talking to my father the other night, I suddenly analyzed the whole meaning, which I am rather excited about. The cats or pets were my old life, the life I had in the States, and the flight or the room was my new life. Do I leave the old life behind, never to be see again? Do I miss the new life to keep track of the old life? If I leave the old life, will it be okay without me? Neat, huh? Took my almost a year to figure it out, but at least now I know what it means.

I exist!

"oi...esta gostando do brazil? " - a comment from Nitim.

This has to be the most asked question to me here. I think just about every Brasilian I meet who figures out I am not a native born Bahiana (go figure) asks me this question. I have no idea what kind of an answer to give, other than "yes." It's like "how are you doing?" and you automatically answer "fine." I remember during high school I wasn't always fine and I hated that I automatically answered with that reply, so I made a consciouse effort to change it to "tired" because that was usually true. It was really starting to get on my nerves until I started working at PanAm and found myself asking the newly arrived gringos the same thing.

So what does one say to this type of comment?

"I lived here in a past life, so I had to return."
"Fine thanks, are you liking it as well?"
"Culture shock still hasn't worn off."
"Huh? Yeah, duh?"
"No, but I got married and had a baby, so I'm kinda stuck now."
"Yes." (unimaginative, but sometimes I just am tired of the other answers)

Semantics of the context in English don't always allow for these to make sense, but in Brasil we seem to change topics like we change position, so no one ever has done a double take.

So Nitim, yes, I am liking Brasil. It's a great country, and the longer I live here the more I realize it's like the States and the more I miss the States. Damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

Ju's is full of little noises these days. The newest one sounds a lot like a Steven Tyler scream.

Quote from Mila:

"We have two eyes, two ears, two nostrils... but we seem to talk more than we listen, see, or use any other senses. It's amazing how one hole can overtake everything."

I notice I'm getting down to one post a month here. I swear it's not because I don't love you all who read this on a regular basis, it's just that I'm lazy. You'll notice this week/month in Bahia has suffered the same fate. I swear I will try harder.

Woot! I am headed to the U.S. in December! With Ju! Followed by O Maridão a few days later.

o0kommk,,,d.fxcde//.,ddddb



An original composition by Julian.

The way things work out just amaze me some times. Thinking back on it, if I hadn't gotten pregnant with Ju, I probably would have been hired to work before I applied to Pan American, and would never have gotten the opportunity to work in the preschool. And consequently, I would not have been seen as being misplaced and no one would have mentioned my name to fill the position of the high school English teacher that is leaving.

The possibility of it is terribley tempting for me. I started redoing my teaching portfolio, updating my teaching philosophy, and even started brainstorming ideas on class projects. I think I would be really good for this job, having an ESL background, judging from what the former teacher told me. And it would pay more, which is always a good thing. On the other hand, the more I think about it, the more I realize that I will really really miss those kids. They are loud, obnoixious, hard to control, drive you crazy, but man I love working with those ankle biters! I have gotten kinda attatched. No, really, I am attatched. No kinda about it.

So I am just going to assume that so far as the Universe has guided me to where I am, the forces will push me to where it is best for me to be right now. If they find some one else to fill the position in the highschool, well, then I'm happy with my four year olds and being a mom in the evenings. And if I leave one building for another, then I can always visit the students who were shorter than me when I need a break from those who are taller. I cannot doubt the way the energies have pushed me, because they have given me a wonderful husband and a beautiful son.

I'm really starting to sound religious....

I have larangitis. No voice today. Which would make teaching 14 four year olds impossible for the most part, but kinda gives you a perspective on which ones actually respect you. Those who have to come close and try to understand wispered English really do want to be good. Thankfully, most of them did. Most, not all. At least I don't still fell sick on top of it.

I spent some time talking to Alana today, the new middle school science teacher from South Caronlina. She was recounting all the challenges of living and working in Brasil. I remember feeling that way, so frustrated that things just didn't work well, efficiently, or logically. I don't remember when I let go of that feeling (though I can see the evidence of it when I go back and read my blog entries from my move), but I no longer have it. All I could say was "well, that's Brasil..." I mean, it's not a cut on the country or anything, it's just a fact. Things ARE THAT WAY, there is no other way. I think the only reason people here don't get so stressed about it is because they are used to it. That is the way things have worked their whole lives, or not worked, as the case may be. They know no other reality.

There is apparently a couple leaving the school completely, on Sunday. Both adults are teaching in the middle and high school and have had so many problems from the get go, that they just couldn't take it anymore. I had thought only the woman was leaving, having heard something about issues with the nanny and such, so she was going to stay home with the kids. But today I overheard they were both leaving, or rather, the whole family was. I had just sent them both an email, saying if they needed advice or help or just to vent, they could call me, because I had been there and felt like they were feeling etc.... too little too late I guess. I keep trying to call them now on the phone, but it's always busy.

The amount of time you spend waiting for something interesting to happen is in direct ratio with the lack of time you have to type it all out when it finally does. Such is the meaning of life too I'm sure. Maybe that's why no one has figured it out yet and lived to tell the tale.

Over the course of the first weeks of July, I spent over $250 (that's U.S. dollars) on getting Ju registered with the U.S. consulate and getting both his passports. All this in the HOPE that someone or most likely several people will pay for us to fly to the States and visit during Xmas. The amount of documentation one needs to do this was quite impressive. I brought everything from transcripts to photo print outs to birth certificates to ultrasounds... And not to mention filling out 8 or so different forms. Luckily the woman at the consulate is very helpful and nice and tolerant of the insanity I guess. They even let us change a diaper on their counter.

There is always this nice element when you are looking forward to something, especially a trip, that makes it easier to get up in the morning. I'm not sure I should be using it so much yet, since nothing is set in stone, but it certainly helps my getting up at 6AM issues. I might even be able to get up earlier and make some coffee. Yes, that's right, I am back in the habit again. Forces of nature assured it (and the fact that 4 year olds seem to have drunk a whole pot of espresso by the time they get to school at 8AM). Now maybe I can break my chocolate addiction.

Also to look forward to is the arrival of a friend of mine for an extended stay. Slowly, I think all my friends from my Portuguese class at MSU will migrate here and pass through my home. The idea of having a stable place to rest your head in another country is a nice thought. It certainly made my move down here easier. It's also nice that I am able to answer so many questions about the process. All my headaches were not in vain since I can pass the knowledge on to those in need. I feel all helpful and intelligent and stuff. You know, like... stuff...

I wish I had some chai tea...

So the first week of Pan American is over. Well, the inservice part of it, anyway. It's great fun sitting and cutting out small cardboard fruit and decorating the classroom, but I have to admit, it's been a while since I did an 8 hour day. I have been tired. On top of that, Ju is doing this wiggle all night thing and sleeping during the day, so what little sleep I could get, I'm not, really...

At least the milking myself thing seems to be working out okay. I have a 15 minute break in the morning where I can quickly go squeeze my boobs and try to prevent or correct rock formation in my chest and I can store it in the nice super cold fridge in the Canteen (what the cafeteria is called, for some reason). Then Ju comes at lunch to breast feed, and I can still find 15 minutes at the end to eat. I hope it won't take him too long to get into this new schedual. Ideally he would eat more in the evenings and at night, and less during the day. Right now, I'd rather have him sleep during the day and eat when he's with me, but we'll see how I feel about that after several weeks of little sleep.

There are many ACBEU teachers now working at Pan American. It's like a mass migration. You'd think this would clue them in that something is seriously wrong - they are loosing good teachers! But no, it seems they are only insulted.

A good friend and fellow teacher who has been a contractor for 3 years also is now working at Pan American (in the classroom next to mine, no less). She just found out she got the job this week, and notified our former workplace on Wednesday. Because her position was part time starting early in the morning, she would be unable to teach any morning groups. Essentially, what she was told was that they were going to try to hire her, but since she can't offer mornings anymore (read between the lines - she got a REAL job) that has changed. First off, there are seldome that many morning groups to begin with, and there are lots of teachers who want mornings so they can be with their kids in the afternoon. Secondly, why would her inability to take ONE or TWO groups in the morning affect the fact that they were planning on hiring her? She would still be teaching all the other sections, so other than thinking her a traitor because she would dare to look for a secure job elsewhere after being strung along not being paid 4 months out of year for the last 3 years, I can't imagine why their decision suddenly changed. What it really seems like to me was a threat. And I HATE when my friends are threatened. I wouldn't be surprised if that's what it was too, knowing how they took my notification that I wasn't comming back.

When I informed them I wasn't returning, I didn't sit around and chit chat like I guess one might do here. Culturally, I think I will always want to be more direct to the point. So I walked into the office and sat down and said "I have been offered a job at Pan American which I am going to take, so I won't be returning to teach here" - what I wanted to say was "You guys really dragged your feet on hiring me because first you figured I had no other prospects and then because I was pregnant. And while I can understand the pregnancy thing, you guys knew what financial trouble we were in and you still, even after me begging you and trying to arrange for subs, STILL only gave me one group and essential said 'screw you' - so this is my way of saying it back." That would have been so much more satisfying to say. The reaction was "Oh, that's too bad. Well, you didn't have your papers..." and I corrected "No, I did have my papers, and my legal work permit." And then it was added "... and you were pregnant..." and I conquer "Yes, I was pregnant." and then ... silence. I think it was just admiteed that the reason I wasn't hired was because I was pregnant, and probably because no one up top wanted to bother to pay my maternity leave. Boy does it feel good to nonverbally get them in some way.

So after both my, and my friend's experience, I am really irritated at the institution in general, especially those in charge of hiring new teachers. They have so many people in there, just being strung along with no benefits and no job security. From all I have been told, what is being done is essencially illegal. And now they are loosing good teachers. I don't feel sorry at all.

Between crabby Ju and my mom visiting, and getting a new job, I have not had time to type much. Won't have time now either, because Ju just woke up. Oh well.

Just as we run into the predicament with the post office, the giant washing machine sized box (actually the box it might have come in, to be more exact on sizing) that minha sogra sent sometime in February or March arrives. Within it were hidden: a new computer keyboard, a toaster oven, and a television. I have no idea how this got past customes. From the amount of things contained in that box, you would think we would have had to pay R$1000 or more in taxes, no even considering the television... It is a mystery.

Sorting through it took over an hour. There are countless things, mountains of clothing (most of which we will give away), and about 20 onesies for Julian. I don't know what to do with all of this stuff. Right now it's just piled all over the living room and the entire downstairs smells like the U.S. (or maybe this is just the scent of things that have been mailed). Lela had great fun jumping in and out of the box. Ona and Julian are oblivious. They are a lot alike in that way.

Ju is becomming like a real person. He follows things with his eyes and even kind of has some different sounds now, beside just crying. He also whines now. Last night he let me sleep, but I woke up with a horrible migrain headache, probably caused by the yellow fever vaccine I got yesterday when he was getting his second Hep B innoculation. It felt like I ate a tomato. I should have eaten one just to taste it again, as long as I was going to feel like crap anyway...

Today I found I can fit into my cute short skirts again (how appropriate is it that a new mom wear this sort of clothing, I don't know...), but I still have a major gut and love handles to loose. The great and wise Caryn says I should do weighted side bends to loose the love handles. I hope 4.5 kilos is enough weight, since that is what ju weighs. He has gained 1.5 kilos since birth- a little over a month ago. Big boy. Big Jujube.

I will update the this week in Bahia site today. I meat to update it a few weeks ago, but forgot. I got some lovely shots on the way to the pediatrician's yesterday, so there will be lots to look at. I'll put up the old ones too, from two weeks ago or when ever it was, just for entertainment value.

Note to anyone anywhere thinking about mailing anything to Brasil:

There is a limit on tax free things comming into the country. I have no idea what the yearly limit is, if there is one, but I do know for sure that any box/envelope is only tax free up to $50. After that amount, or if the postal employees determine that the worth is over $50 when they open the box (they might), the recipient must pay 100% of the value, or something similar to that, in order to recieve the box. So in the end, the person sending it pays for it, pays to mail it, and then the recipient pays for it again.

So right now, there is a box with my name on it at Correios, that I must pay R$146 to recieve. We don't have this money. So the box will have to sit there for an undetermined amount of time. I have no idea who it is from.

So here we are in winter. You wouldn't know it by the temperature, but it might be identifyable by the type of rain. The heat has been unusually high the last few days, yet the nights are pleasantly cool enough to use a sheet to cover one's self for a change. Not that I sleep much these days. Julian has decided night time is when he will eat real meals, as opposed to the snacks he eats every 20 minutes several times a day. I suppose I should be greatful on some level. I already was waking up that often to go pee while I was still pregnant, so small blessings: these days I don't have to get out of bed, I just have to find something to soak up the extra milk with.

Two days ago we kinda warped his schedual by going on a late night ice cream run - put him in a car seat and into a car or into an environment with a lot of noise and he sleeps like... well, like a baby. He sleeps very hard. Due to this, he slept right through his normal awake time, so he decided to make up for it at 3AM. Awake time consists of about 3 to 4 hours where he is fussy, wants to walk around and look at things, and generally makes a lot of grunting, snorting, farting, whining noises. If I don't hold him during these times, he cries and cries and cries. So 3AM rolls around and guess who wants to go for a walk in the stroller? Of course, I'm not really going to go do this at 3AM in my underware, so we listened to some NPR on the computer instead. It was actually quite enjoyable and eventually he fell asleep agaist my chest while I was sitting here, at about 6:30AM. I remember distintly writing in my blog, about this time last year, that I was going to watch the sunrise at some point here. So a year later, it finally happens. Better late than never.

O Maridão has a client comming to do a map today, so I must go set up the tent downstairs, make things look mystical. Better take advantage of Ju's mid morning nap. This is generally when I get to shower, eat, and do my own things. He sleeps almost 2 and a half hours strait. If only they weren't weed wacking the grass here since 7AM this morning, I could have napped too. Oh well.

Sorry for the long span between posts here. Julian was born May 1st, so anyone with kids can imagine what life has been like since then. But fear not, I will return with a full report as soon as I can sit here long enough to write one.

Well I'll be dipped. They did publish my letter, despite not verifying who I am. Maybe there are still people I know working there.

http://www.statenews.com/op_article.phtml?pk=29613

Saturday was the Châ de Julian. It was a lovely party with a large amount of balloons blown up by Emeli, a fellow contractor at work. Time management kinda made the games a flop, but the decorations were nice. I had taught all morning (on my feet), and then cooked all afternoon to feed people. Most of the night I was in pain and very tired. I thought it was just from over doing it.

Then low and behold, Sunday morning my belly is about an inch lower than it was the previous day, accompanied by a lot of back pain and semi-period like cramps. Although it's very entertaining that it happened that fast, it's also very painful still. Even after going to the chiropractor today, I'm still feeling that dull ache in my back. If this lasts the next 5 weeks, I don't know what I will do. I'm sure he's got farther down to go still...

You can see updated photos on the belly site. I also made the photos of the châ public, but I'm not sure what good that does for anyone who wants to see them. Maybe search for akutygerdabahia in yahoo photos?

Yet another link with film footage of Saturday in E.L.

http://www.msu.edu/~harri131/